Motherhood - Fulfillment and Uncertainty

I have been reflecting a lot lately on being a mom and about my own mother. Being a mom and Brendan's wife is all that I have ever wanted to be since I was 15 years old. I see so many shows where women say they have lost their identity and need "to find themselves," but I just can't relate. One of my biggest fears is of losing my husband or kids someday and then I think I WOULD feel like I've lost my identity. I think I'm lucky that I can say that being a wife, mom, and homemaker is completely fulfilling for me. I don’t feel like I have “sacrificed” anything or have missed out on life because I am doing what I do. In fact, I feel so lucky and blessed that I GET to stay home and be a mom and a housewife and experience each day at home. It’s a true blessing, not a burden. I'm also thankful for how far Brendan and I have been able to come so far. Life was really hard when we were first married. I was thinking just the other day how I used to work full time (at least 45 hours a week) at Murdock Travel and my take home pay was a measely $600.00 a month! Plus we had a new baby, plus Brendan worked full time (at night) and went to school full time for four years! I still get chills thinking about how horrible it was. But it made us both work really hard to achieve more and really appreciate our life now. I'm so blessed to have Brendan in my life. He is such a hard worker and I can say that I know he really loves me. Our journey is never without challenges however. It's true that we don't have to deal with ear infections, potty training, and night time feedings. Our kids can bathe themselves, make their own meals if necessary, and even drive themselves places. But that doesn't mean that being a parent is any easier. It's less physically demanding now, but so much harder in other ways. I'm a seasoned mother in some ways, but I am constantly terrified about what the future holds for my kids now that they are at such vulnerable ages. They try to be so independent, but I know that I have so much work left. I feel like time is running out and I don't know what I'm doing. I am so thankful for prayer and I know I couldn't do it without our Heavenly Father's help. As I watch Jordan grow into a man I'm torn in two. I am happy to see his independence, but it breaks my heart to see my baby grow up and not need me as much anymore. I miss him being with us all the time as his life is now consumed with school, sports, work, and friends. I'm scared that I haven't taught him enough to be able to survive "the world." I'm scared that he might not always make the right decisions and that his choices could turn his life upside down. I'm scared that his testimony isn't all there and he'll decide to not go on a mission. I'm scared for so many things! A child's free agency can be so terrifying to a mother sometimes. I hear about all the "drama" that goes on in Allison's circle of friends and I wonder why does all this crap have to happen? Why do kids have to grow up so fast nowadays? But then I think of my good friend Heidi who's life lesson to me is to always look on the bright side and I think of Jordan putting on his suit and preparing a lesson to give as he goes home teaching with our bishop. I think of how far Jake has come in school and how much he teaches me about eternal principles every single day! I think of how Allison's choices with her friends haven't always made her popular and has cost her some friendships, but how she has learned to stand up for what is right and learned what a true friend really is. I think of my wonderful parents who are serving a mission in Colombia and how their service and sacrifice is blessing our lives and will for generations! I am so grateful to have truly "been born of goodly parents." The biggest thing that I treasure about my mother is how she always set down the rules and taught us good values, but then she gave us the freedom to be whatever made us happy. She let me grow up to be "me." I guess my biggest problem is that I like to control my surroundings and I realize that I ultimately have no real control over what my future holds or what my children's future holds. I just pray that my Heavenly Father will continue to bless our family as He always has and that He will give me the strength to deal with the trials that are sure to come.